I was thinkg -- oh.
It's g this suction thing.
What's it for?
stop.
What is that son of a bitch?
Oh, my god.
okay.
He's done
Here --
how do you know he's done?
well, because he just pulled
It up inside of him --
[ screaming ]
[chrs and applause]
[¶]
tosh: Nothing slow or steady
About tha protein blt.
Welcome to "tosh.0."
You'd have to be insane to spent
$200 on a pair of chucks.
But theseren't just any
Chucks.
They were designed by massoni.
Still no arch support though.
Doesn't we are a wrong climber
That poopd his pants and I get
In touch with my feminine side
And watch m fans try to be
Funny.
Now, let's see the turtle come
Out of his shell again.
You get it?
Come.
goddamn what is that son of a
Bitch?
have you ever seen this?
tosh: It looks like a
Bratwurst that exploded in the
Microwave.
how do you know he's done?
he just pulled it up inside
Of him --
ah!
what is that?
did he have an orgasm?
tosh: Careful the patio's a
Little slick.
Myurtle just waxed it.
is that turtle pee?
tosh: He'll be ready for
Another round in 30 years.
I've never seen how much -- how
Old is here.
That's the creepiest thing you
N hear an old man say in a
Southern accent.
It reminds me of the time you
Was eating pizza with the teen
Aged mutant ninja turtles.
This next girl loves to fly and
It shows.
She should call her boobs the
Write sisters.
Locate the exit nrest to you
In the eventhe plane is on its
Period.
Technically it makes her mouth a
Cockp.
Technically.
Those are small engines.
That's why I only fly on jets.
let's see what you got.
[laughter]
Tosh: Before we go any
Furtheret me address the
Elephant in the room.
We all saw my amazing physique
In that last t.
Remember when it used to be
Silly when I tooky shirts pop
That's just two years ago
Hysterical.
Now it just seems like I'ming
About my killer abs, pecs and
Lats.
Don't worry I won't get fat like
Vince vaughn after singers but I
Will be funny again.
Emember, it's cheing if you
Make your own sigmata.
I assume m gibson rected
This.
[ screami ]
tosh: Be careful.
You don't want to missnd hit
Your thumb.
[laughter]
tosh: At least put down a
Coaster.
Coffe table is mh more
Comrtable.
I hope he won't be a pussy and
Pin the whole thing judas.
And now it's time for amasian.
That's asians doing somhing
Amazing.
[¶]
tosh: Is this anim
Every room or there is a
Classroom.
tosh: If you enjed that
You'll be happy to kno you can
By panties in a vending machine.
Japan is weird.
Maybe next time more kissing,
Less trash cans.
Hello kitty.
Hard to tell them apart in
Uniform bu they pbably think
We all look alike too.
[¶]
[ gunshot ]
[laught]
tosh: I got one person to
Cl.
Great.
Now we can't do the ultimate
Taboo.
That's when idententical twins
Have sex with each other.
Look it up.
Next video is still way safer
Than letting jason kidd drive.
[ screaming ]
tosh: Racing does to white
Guys what movies do to black
Guys.
I'm sure this was danica
Patrick's fault.
What do yo have to do to get a
Cause flag around there.
Here's yet another thing women
Do better than men.
[¶]
[laughter]
tosh: Maybe you shouldn't
Dance like no one is wching
When everyone's watching.
Now let's objectify men in the
Week's breakdown.
It's open pole night down at the
Load house so please welcome to
The main stage, burt.
[ughter]
He's just doing it to put his
Girlfriend through college.
It's called beefy ts for a
Reason.
Think jordan would endorse a
Product easy to tr.
Fyi, mt of hul hogan shirts
Were pre-ripped.
I can't tell it's not a gay club
Because he's not in good shape
And I don't recognize the club.
Maybetop having a sw water figh
Wi your self.
Now shove a few potato skins in
His waist and s if he stops.
At least wear linen pants so we
Can see the outline of the
Python your packing.
Hey, u're not supposed to
Leave the stage until someone
Relieves you.
Does have someone have a shirt?
I gla he reminded us joe
Paterno's statue shut have
Fallen minutes ago for that we
Thank you.
We'
We'll be back with a [bleep]
Rock climber.
First, how to climb ngaroo.
here's one here now.
Y get your shopping bag and
Put it over the kangaroo and it
Ill fall in.
[laughter]
the you have kanga
[laughter]
oh, I'm so hung over.
Guys, I don't know what to do.
[bleep]
super sffed.
yeah.
I [bleep]ed my pas.
[laughter]
I just [bleep]ed my pants.
[laughter]
tosh: Two guys, one mountain.
Oes smart wool wick away human
Pieces.
That's jason kruck and hs
Rerespected planner.
[bleep]ing in public means why
You plann your day wrong.
Do you know how many berries,
Seeds and oats were in that
Turd?
I wouldn't know whether to eat
It.
I wasn't a boy scott because boy
Scouts are homophobic in other
Words.
Climbing for chiren and
Monkeys.
If you're over 21 you should be
Sitting in a chair all day
Waiting for a blood clots.
A carabiner isn't going to save
Your life, it's a fancy key
Chain for frat dudes.
If god wanted tyou climb mt.
Everest he would have put oxygen
Up there.
You know what bea the high of
Reaching the summit?
Flying over it in your private
Jet.
The biggest challenge is space
Mountain unless you have a fast
Pass you'll [bleep] your pants.
Here everyone is a social
Climber on this week's web
Redemption.
hey, dael.
good morning, jason.
I couldn't finish to theummit
So I decided to take a break and
Rest up.
Y want some breakfast.
no, I ate this morning.
I bet you'll change your mind
When you find o vi pipingot
Waffles.
nope.
Okay, thebathroom?
no.
okay.
In the other hand need to use
This.
If you give me aew seconds
I'll be good to go.
We're okay.
Don't worry about me.
I'm an experienced climber.
tosh: Jon where are you
From?
bc canada.
tosh: What's it near?
between whtler.
tosh: Good looking women up
There.
respect.
tosh:Hen was it?
two years ago
os what happened on the
Day?
h woke me up and we were
Going to shoot on the crack and
As it go narrower I kept wedging
My knee for upward progress and
It locked in there.
tosh: How long were you
Actually in there for?
25 minutes, half an hour
tosh: Why do you thi have
You to go to the bathroom right
Then?
before the root.
you didn't think before we
Start this let me go.
I've done t climb before
And thought I'd ace up there
Real quick.
tosh: Whu once you realize y
Have to go to the bathroom when
Did you [bleep] yourself.
I was in pain and probably
Going into shock.
tosh: It was a strategy.
Did you think by [bleep]ing you
Would lose weight and your knee
Would get smalr.
no, it's uncomfortable when
Have you to takea [bleep].
tosh: Was it liquid?
yes.
tosh: You were in wisconsin,
Texas and once in hollywood.
That's theeast proud.
The other two there's
Explanations.
to be hest I don't trust
Anyone who hasn't [bleep]ed
Themselves as an adult.
tosh: Thank you.
they're probably a liar.
tosh: Do you know who aaron
Rolf is?
I read his book.
tosh: Do you think your
Situation was more devastating.
I don't know iit can be
Argued mine was more
Devastating.
He lost an arm.
tosh: Did you get air lifted.
no.
tosh: What's it like going to
The summit.
we call is a sky dump.
Or a good ahing pee is
Satisfying.
tosh: Any days ofn arching
Pee is er.
My urethr has been ruined from
Years of abuse.
Does the crapping bring you two
Closer together.
sorry.
we're already.
we ren't that good a
Ddies before but brought us
Closer.
tosh: What did your friends
Call you after?
they called me poopy for a
While.
I want to see if you can
Climb outdoors before [bleep]ing
Your self.
Ready to give it a shot?
yeah, let's go.
It's beautiful out here.
Can I true in akudos.
wt's wrong?
I have to poop.
in a situation like thank you
Have to start panicking
Immediately.
I just [bleep]ed my pants.
if you [bleep] on me I well
[bleep]ing kill you.
hey, guys.
What's going on?
james franco, the guy from
The movie that pretended to cut
His hand off.
No, I'm the real james franco.
w didn't you sta pulling
Hard whe your arm was stuck?
I didn't think of that.
knock it f.
This is an emergency.
I'm about to [bleep] my pants.
not on my watch.
it worked.
Now I don't have to poop any
More.
great, get outf here.
no daniel I can't take my
Fist out of his butt.
It wouldn't be safe.
I know what I have to do.
he you to cut my arm off.
[laughter]
first of all why in the world
Do you climb with a circular
Saw?
I think we both knowwhy.
I can't do it.
damn it, daniel, have you to.
It's the only way.
all right.
no!
[laughter]
tosh: That wasn't so bad.
thanks.
you're a real he.
don't mention it.
Ow get out of here you two.
I better get another book
Deal out of this.
[cheers and applause]
tosh: We'll be right back but
First sometimes no reflexes are
The best rlexes of all.
[bleep].
[bleep]
[lauter]
[ceers and applae]
what's up, tosh?
daniel tosh, I love you.
you're the best.
tosh: Some feminis think
The show is jus for sexist
Dudes but in all honesty, 63%
Are sexist f sexist females.
That's more tn oprah's
Ombined.
I wanted to do something nice
For my trashy ladies be a g a
Suit to walk a mile inyour
Genitals.
this is nice.
want t swimfaster?
no, this is going to help me
Idtify with our female
Audience.
Batman.
You read the instructions.
thank you for purchasing the
She-kit.
The body suit with urination
Pouch kit.
tosh: Louder.
do not get lacquer thinner or
Rubbing alcohol on it.
Wear a lot of powder in there.
it says lay oour back.
it's okay.
This is going to be your new
Mommy.
All right from the wst down I
Feel sexy.
do not pull the suit your
Butt.
Just to the butt crack not in
It.
If you have an erection you'll
Nd it easier to get your penis
Into the penis pouch.
That's important.
Inally, place the mask over
Your head and enjoy.
[indiscernible].
the whole for the eyes are
Not the right size.
let me work my hand around to
Your breast.
[indiscernible].
your breast are in place.
I'm suiting you up now.
Let me fix youboobs.
You're right one's a little low.
I think I really messed it up.
Let me adjust your wig
I want to see your face.
it's just over 40 minutes.
Thanks, batman.
Where the [bleep] did batman go?
[cheers and applause]
sh: Putting on this
She-skin madee realize men and
Women are not that different.
And I'd also like to apologize
If it seems I've been a little
Cranky.
I'm having reallyad cramps.
My uteru is shedding it's
Lining or so I'm told.
Don't forget to go to our blog
And upload our clip for a chanc
For the viewer video this week
Comes froann glaser.
[chrs andapplause]
I always knew boars head was
A tool of the nazi
We'll b right back with
Two-drink minimum.
[cheers and applause]
tosh: Welcome back.
Actually, you kw what, this
Week you're not welcome back.
Beat it.
Scram.
Vamoose.
Next week's our final episode of
The summernde're saying
Good-bye in the classiest way
Possible with a puk party or
The ages.
Well, next week.
Follow me on twitt so we can
Open up a dlo during the
Pre-recorded show and keep up on
The one blog that doesn't hate
Me at tosh comy ctral dot
Come and visit our store to get
Our your christmas shopping done
In July and brickleberry starts
September 25.
There's one for the character I
Haven't introduced you to yet.
Do you want to mee him?
yes.
tosh: All right.
It looks le a classic.
Nd finally a few weeks ago I
Invented brand new internet
Challenges and asked you to come
Up withetter ones but of
Course you did not.
Fail.
Epic fail.
So here the best of the worse.
this is a stupid talking to
Your pet challenge.
Starting now I'm goingake the
Don't leave your house
Challenge.
the random piggyback ride
Challenge.
ts is a deep throat
Popsicle challenge.
this is the
[indiscernible]
[ coughing ]
we're going to do george
Washington challenge taking
George washington and getting it
Red hot and burning your ass
With it.
my intert challenge to
Watch "tosh.0" without getting a
Boner.
tosh: All rht.
That challenge is impossible.
Nice croakies by the way.
All right, good night.
I hope no one [bleep]s in my
Cereal.
I'm going [bleep] in your
Cereal.